I've become interested in journaling. It has given me insight into where I am on my spiritual journey. Today, May 12, 2008 I entered this prayer to God. My intention is not to share everything from my journaling - just those insights that are not 'too personal' and may be of interest.

 Dear God,

I need to ask for forgiveness. When I first became a Christian I was looking for some hard and fast rules that would fix everything in my life – troubles at work, etc. I thought I was beyond that. That is, until last night’s prayers and reading. I was then I realized I was still looking for ‘instant spirituality’ to fix all of my woes and problems within my life.

 After some insight I realized the pursuit of spirituality is a journey – not a trip such as going to Hawaii. The Hawaii trip will end; I will be back home with my photos, videos, journal entries, and memories. Throughout my life, I will continue on the spiritual journey. The spiritual journey will change as I change but it will be enduring forever.

 I am sorry I tried pursuing my spiritual journey quickly. Please forgive me.

 Over the last few months I have realized I am imperfect. This has been a hard part of the journey. I fix things. I have been doing this all of my life. I now realize not everything is fixable. The best I can do is to recognize what is repairable, what is not repairable and what does not need to be repaired. 

The best I can do is to let go of what is un-healthy for me and to store away those things that I cannot let go of. Those items may be un-healthy but they can go on a back shelf somewhere. Those memories should be recognized as a part of me but not so as to be overwhelming me.

 I need to make sure that the good things overwhelm the bad things in my life.

 Please, God, guide me in the direction you would like me to go. Please teach me to have patience with myself on my journey and to have patience with others as they go on their journey. Please help me to see the beauty in all things and forgive me as I leave things unseen.

 God, you are enough for me.

December 28, 2008

I am still journaling. I am now at over 600 pages of prayers, notes and reflections. Each journal entry has me reaching further into myself trying to find the person who I was meant to be. It is a long hard journey - definitely not for the faint of heart. There are times you find out things about yourself that are not all that pleasant. The key to it all is to work through all.

Read and reread everything! Reflect on everything!

The prayer listed below is paraphrased from a prayer I wrote several months back.

Dear God,

Each day I pray I come to you at my poorest. I have nothing to offer you except my brokenness, my pain, my devotion and my love. As I pray I can only offer myself. In prayer, everything that I am, everything that I have been and everything that I will be is an open to you.

Help me, Lord, to see the potential of my poverty.

God, you are enough for me!

Contact me: info@friendofgreywolf.com